Feel And Heal

            A few years ago a friend set me up on a blind date and during the course of that date I came as close as I ever want to be to joining a cult.      She had been visiting a guy she was dating. She told she happened to be using their computer and commenting on some post or picture of mine on Facebook, when her boyfriend’s uncle looked over her shoulder and expressed interest in me. She told me he was 35, Haitian, and new in town. I was single and bored that summer, so I said why not? I didn’t think this would be my true love, but at least I would be wined and dined and end up with a story.      I had a pretty dress that had a high-ish collar but with a lil boob window cut out. Fixed my hair cute, put on some red lipstick and soft flats. A little spritz of perfume and some coconut oil applied to my inner thighs--my strongest and most dependable way to fight chafing--and I was ready t...

     I am a 28 year old virgin. There. I SAID. IT.      Now let’s talk about that shit. I was 21 the first time it occurred to me that men might want to sleep with me, in my current body. I was at a group therapy session and a tall, bigger woman was called on to share. She was angry, shaking in either fear or fury as she told us, her voice climbing higher and higher, “I feel fat and gross and like men only want me for SEX!”      I was stunned. ONLY?? Like the sex…was an option?? Fucked me up entirely. I could think of nothing else the rest of the day/my life.      I grew up with perfectionist, abusive parents. It’ll probably always be a little hard for me to label it as that but that’s what it was. I can’t remember a time when either of my parents weren’t displeased with the way I look. And I just *knew* that, from a young age. I knew it when we were living in Rwanda and they would tug me away from the dessert tab...