TINDER: Virgin Gone Wild

     I am a 28 year old virgin. There. I SAID. IT.

     Now let’s talk about that shit. I was 21 the first time it occurred to me that men might want to sleep with me, in my current body. I was at a group therapy session and a tall, bigger woman was called on to share. She was angry, shaking in either fear or fury as she told us, her voice climbing higher and higher, “I feel fat and gross and like men only want me for SEX!”

     I was stunned. ONLY?? Like the sex…was an option?? Fucked me up entirely. I could think of nothing else the rest of the day/my life.

     I grew up with perfectionist, abusive parents. It’ll probably always be a little hard for me to label it as that but that’s what it was. I can’t remember a time when either of my parents weren’t displeased with the way I look. And I just *knew* that, from a young age. I knew it when we were living in Rwanda and they would tug me away from the dessert table at family gatherings and events, reminding me that other kids can eat what they want because they’re skinny. I knew it when both my parents laughed at me- I mean open throats and mouths, knee slapping, spit flying out LAUGHED- when I was 14 and told them that maybe God allowed me to be fat and that it was okay. I knew it every day that my mother poked my belly or thighs and grimly asked me what husband I thought I was going to be able to get, looking like this.

     So imagine my surprise when I heard that woman cry those words out! I was 21, homeless, jobless, and the only life affirming and positive thing I had going for me was this specific group therapy but I started to feel some hope. I began a long and complicated journey, one with many stops, towards my current opinion of my virginity. Which is that I feel a little weird about it, being this grown, BUT I’m willing to wait for a partner that won’t waste my time and energy. I have heard and seen so many horror stories about bad sex. I have come close to experiencing it myself but something always stopped the situation from getting worse.

     Which brings me to my adjacent topic, Tinder! First off Tinder is gross. I am immensely happy for anyone that finds true love, or even just a purely innocent and safe good time through the app, but oh my GOD. I first logged in when I was 24, hopeful and expecting to meet that one gentleman that will deflower me and maybe fall in love with my sparkling personality.

     That’s absolutely NOT what happened.

     The first guy I talked to was very much into sexting, and I found out I could rock with that too. But then it got weird, as it does, and I blocked him. The first guy I let into my apartment (I KNOW I was so stupid. That’s the adjacent-adjacent topic here, how many times I could have been murdered) was over the top weird and aggressive. I told him before he got there that I was a virgin and not interested in having sex with someone I just met, and he seemed fine with it. Which was a LIE! We talked for nearly two hours, most of which he spent trying to convince me that I should just fuck him and get it over with. “What are you worried about? I actually PREFER fat, dark skinned females, I’m not a regular guy, I know.” Those are actual words he said to me. To get me to sleep with him! Like those were COMPLIMENTS. When he 100% got it through his head that I wasn’t going to sleep with him he asked me for some juice…so I went and got him some. And then he sat on my couch for another 40 minutes or so, telling me about how he wants to be an actor and did I think he was handsome enough or did he need a nose job. I could NOT make this up, this legitimately happened to me, a holy child of God on this earth.

     I don’t understand how this experience didn’t scare me away from that app…because I just kept on going. I met a guy who was a rapper and pretty good at it, except that he didn’t give a single flying shit when I mentioned I write poetry. “Cool. Wanna get on the bed?” He went down on me and I laughed because he was moving around so fast, shaking his head like a dog, and breathing like he was running a marathon. It didn’t feel good or really much like anything and I was worried all the fanfics I read furtively on the family computer via dial up internet, as well as the videos I watched lied to me as well. The next guy I tried to start…anything…with turned out to not respect women very much. It was awful but I guess I needed to keep learning that lesson. I was on and off the app for years. At some point while in school at Job Corps I talked to this man for a couple weeks before we realized we had a mutual friend, my dorm director who was also his EX. That stopped pretty quick. The last guy that fully threw me off Tinder was just a horrible kisser, just like an overflowing lake in my mouth. He stood me up and as a final offense was kind of boring so I started texting him back with the same bored energy he was giving me and that stopped as well.

     There was a point when I thought I was saving myself for marriage with a good Christian man. I have relaxed my standards on that as my spiritual progression has grown, but that theme stayed strong within me. I couldn’t imagine myself giving every part of me to someone and *not* expecting to be with that person forever, our souls intertwined like lush vines in our own flourishing Eden. I think it also gave me this false sense of security that only served to hurt me. I got to create a mythical perfect Man that might not really exist, and since I would never meet him, I would never have to expose all of me to anyone. I would never have to truly be vulnerable and open.

     Well fuck that. I was hit with an epiphany one night when I realized that I didn’t have to wait for a magical king that I could trust absolutely… I need to trust MYSELF absolutely! I needed to lean into my own understanding of what I want and deserve. I needed to focus less on manifesting him, and manifest myself into such a high and grand spiritual plane that the only other people there are also loving and honest and therefore perfect.

     So I’m still working on that. Still travelling upwards. Totally done with Tinder though, that’s for sure.

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