Feel And Heal

     I have found transparency and vulnerability to be such gifts. It’s terrifying, the idea of opening up and letting anyone take a look at your insides, at all the ways you fit into yourself. Pointing a flashlight at all the cobwebs, in all the dusty corners. All the things that you’ve tried to clean up but no matter how hard you work at them they just won’t go away. It’s a huge blessing to find release in art because it gives you ways to be okay with all that you are. You get to learn that it’s not so much about cleaning up all that mess but opening doorways and windows to let more light in, to shine some clarity in the space and see that… it’s not really not that bad. It’s livable, and that’s a fact that you become surprised to learn even though this whole time you HAVE been living in it. Through honesty in art you get to learn that the things you used to be so scared and ashamed of are actually structures that shape you into who you are. And while some things DO ne...

     I feel light, so light I could just float up and be carried away by the wind if it wasn’t for my body tethering me down.      I am feeling this massive relief because I felt an important truth last night. It came to me SUDDENLY and from the passing of one second to the next I became almost a different person. It’s a truth that has been revealed itself to me before… I just keep forgetting. But conveniently my Highest Self and Power loves me enough to keep telling it to me to my FACE. I’m saying this here and now because I’m human and I might need this again later on.     That truth is the simplicity, authority and just plain audacity of the statement, “So what?” The last couple of weeks I had been feeling such a heavy. Fucking. Misery. I was finding it hard to do more than breathe some moments. I wrote about it. Trust me, I wrote different pieces of different lengths about what was affecting me but then I was still left with the...

       For as long as I can remember, there has existed a “Before” and “After” timeline in my mind. The “before” was me being fat, uneducated, unloved, unfunny, poor and just generally physically uncomfortable. The “after” would be the complete opposite of that! I LOVED letting my mind wander into the “after”. I would be 25 always. I would get older, of course, but pretty much just stay looking and feeling 25. I would be thin but not too thin. I would have a cute apartment in a cute red brick city like Pittsburgh. I would have a cute little animal friend, maybe two. I would have a real life, serious boyfriend who I may or may not have known in my “before” days but that wouldn’t matter because this is “after” and I would be perfect. In the after I would be famous and my job would be to inspire people with my bright cheerfulness.            I do not remember the exact thing that caused me to start thinking of my life in terms of befo...

Breakup letter to 2018.      2018, thank you. I truly do thank you, from the deepest darkest bottom corner of my heart.      You taught me to be selfish. I think even now you’re still attempting to teach me this, even though your time is done and you should relax and let 2019 take over.      I’m glad you’re done. Your lessons were painful and I wish I would have known just how bad they would be because I might have wanted a different teacher. One with an easier, softer teaching method.      I had to learn to be selfish because otherwise I would have burnt myself out. I would have used all the energy in me to fight events that were doomed to happen anyway, and I would have done that until it killed me.      It was during your time, 2018, that I began learning that it is not my duty to save my sister. It is not my duty to save anyone, that I could grasp, but I was not able to let go of the res...