Light

     I feel light, so light I could just float up and be carried away by the wind if it wasn’t for my body tethering me down.

     I am feeling this massive relief because I felt an important truth last night. It came to me SUDDENLY and from the passing of one second to the next I became almost a different person.

It’s a truth that has been revealed itself to me before… I just keep forgetting. But conveniently my Highest Self and Power loves me enough to keep telling it to me to my FACE. I’m saying this here and now because I’m human and I might need this again later on.

    That truth is the simplicity, authority and just plain audacity of the statement, “So what?”

The last couple of weeks I had been feeling such a heavy. Fucking. Misery. I was finding it hard to do more than breathe some moments. I wrote about it. Trust me, I wrote different pieces of different lengths about what was affecting me but then I was still left with the FEELING.

It’s a mixture of guilt, perfectionism, major depression, ego, and desperation. Laced all throughout in copious amounts of that asshole Fear.

     All of it paralyzed my entire being and I honestly felt like I was just waiting to die. Not by own hand, don’t worry, just maybe something dramatic and worth a Story, like a train collision. I would have also been happy with just passing in my sleep like on old king.

     I broke out of this while watching old videos of myself dancing. I have TONS of these on my laptop, just me in a tank top and either shorts or scrub bottoms. The videos are silent because the music plays in my headphones and I developed a system for synchronizing the music to my movements later on.

     I’m no great dancer. Its mostly a lot of twerking and then panting and holding my back. Sometimes I stumble and nearly fall face first into walls. I don’t even remember if I had a specific goal with these videos… I swear there at LEAST 60 of them!

     I think I had the idea that eventually through these exercises I would become proficient at dancing; I would then lose the exact amount of weight that would finally qualify me into being a worthy and important person. And while that hasn’t happened, the vision of myself that I got to see last night SPOKE to me.

     I was sweating heavily. Giggling over my own drunken-like stumbling. Mumbling along to Jamaican dancehall lyrics that I don’t fully understand. In other words, I was having the Time Of My Life! Those minutes I managed to squeeze out into personal twerk sessions were sometimes the highlight of my days when I was at school. In class I would countdown the hours until that sweet window of time when I knew my other 3 roommates would be out the room and I could be fully free with my body and shit. Actually over time I became more comfortable and I was able to dance WITH my roommates in the room! They make some great cameos.

     I watched those old videos of myself completely enjoying MYSELF and my body and what it can do and I heard a voice in my head say, “so what?”

     Like so what if I didn’t lose all the weight, or if I’ve stopped recording myself dancing? My old pattern of thinking wants to bash myself for “never finishing what I start”, for still being fat, for not having yet evolved in my dancing to the step where I join a heels choreography class and grace its slick floors with multiple ass-shaking splits.

     SO WHAT. It would be so unfair to myself to keep thinking this way, and to let myself stew in regret when I can clearly see how much fun I was having! To let myself wish I hadn’t even started that journey, when obviously it was so meaningful to me. In fact, relaxing about this whole concept allowed me to step further back and understand that every single step of this journey has been meaningful and important, even if I’m not yet where I thought I would be. Because I’m still going!

     I have no idea when my journey will end. I can relaaaax. I do not have to know everything or be good at everything right this very moment. If I let myself truly enjoy today and be kind enough to myself to be proud of what I accomplished today, then I will have even more strength and power for tomorrow! I don’t have to undercut and defeat myself anymore. That shit is played out and its exhausting! 

     So today I am relaxed and proud of myself and my accomplishments. Today I succeeded in being absolutely kind and loving to myself. I might struggle later on but I will remember what is possible when I let go in faith. And if I really need help I can always read this post again and hear my own voice reminding me I’m doing great and that I should keep going.

     May you do the same.