Blind Date Disaster

            A few years ago a friend set me up on a blind date and during the course of that date I came as close as I ever want to be to joining a cult.

     She had been visiting a guy she was dating. She told she happened to be using their computer and commenting on some post or picture of mine on Facebook, when her boyfriend’s uncle looked over her shoulder and expressed interest in me. She told me he was 35, Haitian, and new in town. I was single and bored that summer, so I said why not? I didn’t think this would be my true love, but at least I would be wined and dined and end up with a story.

     I had a pretty dress that had a high-ish collar but with a lil boob window cut out. Fixed my hair cute, put on some red lipstick and soft flats. A little spritz of perfume and some coconut oil applied to my inner thighs--my strongest and most dependable way to fight chafing--and I was ready to go!

     He was late. Never a good sign. I was willing to give him a few extra minutes, with him being black AND Haitian, but after 15 minutes I started to lose patience. 40 minutes after the time we agreed to meet he texted me, “I’m here.” That’s it. No apology, explanations, or promises to make it up to me. But I sighed, swallowed my pride, and decided I was going to go and be as pleasant as I could and just get it over with.

     He was getting out of his car as I stepped outside. He complimented me, told me I looked beautiful, hugged me and held my hands a little extra long. Then we stood there awkwardly for a moment before he gestured towards my apartment. I was taken back like…did he really expect to be inside my apartment on the first date?? On our blind date, our first time meeting each other??

I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with that and that I was under the impression we were going out. He looked aside for a moment then agreed, and then we got in the car. I ALREADY knew this was going to be a good story but not necessarily a good time.

     We drove around for little bit. I assumed he knew a specific spot he wanted to go to, and waited to see something interesting outside to comment on and break the silence. Finally after about 10 long minutes of driving he pulled in and parked….behind some bleachers at a park. There was a soccer game going on, a bunch of white 8^th graders and their moms watching, vigilant, hands resting on coolers filled with capri suns and zip lock bags full of carrot sticks.

     D (for date. I forgot his name) turned to me and began the speech he had apparently been rehearsing in his head this whole time. “I feel so unmanly, not being able to afford to take a beautiful lady such as you on a date like you deserve…” he went on and on and I didn’t know what to do! My insides were cringing so hard. I gently interrupted his flow of apologies and assured him I didn’t expect a lot in order to have a good time, that this first date could just be coffee. “We passed a Dunkin Donuts a few minutes ago.” He shook his head and looked away.

     Well. I hadn’t brought any money myself, and I didn’t want to ask him to drive back home. Then inspiration struck! I told him about a really peaceful spot overlooking the river that was nearby. I went there a lot with friends to talk and meditate. I directed him there and he loved it, exclaiming over it as he pulled in and parked. We got out and walked over to the solitary bench and sat down, looking at the water. He took a deep breath, and turned to me, and honest to God, 100% asked me, “do you believe in love at first sight?”

     I burst out laughing. I still do every time I think about it. In all my years of reading romantic novels, watching rom coms and fantasizing about falling in love I had never actually thought someone would say those words to me, and definitely not someone who had already put me through so much awkwardness. I didn’t know what to say so I just kept giggling as he went on, talking about how he felt a deep connection between us already, and that he knew when he woke up that day he was going to be blessed. He must have taken my amusement for...flirting, maybe? Because he kept. On. Going.

     It wasn’t until he uttered the phrase “now that you’re my girlfriend” that I stopped and spoke up. “Um. I’m not your girlfriend. We just met..?” “Yes, but we’ll get to know each other.” “Right. We could. Its just way too soon to be using those words.” “I want you to meet my family.” I gave up trying to be reasonable with him and brought out my main weapon. My Finisher. The one thing I thought would make him pause and maybe decide I required too much effort to be worth it. “Its just that…I’m a virgin. And I need a lot more time and a lot more of a connection before I can consider myself in a relationship, and definitely before I-“ I stopped myself because he was having A Reaction to what I was saying. He yelled out, shook his head, one arm came up over his head. He looked at me and burst out “You don’t know what that does to me! You have no idea!” I started to regret having spoken. “Are you really, truly a virgin?” “Yes.” I was getting a little scared and thinking I need to stop giving out my address and getting in cars with men I don’t know. And then things started to REALLY get weird.

     He stood up off the bench, agitated. He paced around for a few seconds before sitting back down, closer to me, looked me in my eyes and said, “You don’t understand. I’m a Mason. We have specific rules about virgins.” I sat still and hoped my eyebrows didn’t travel too far up.  In the all the years since this happened I haven’t taken the time to research this religion or anything, so I have no idea if everything he told me was true. But I do know that it was CRAZY and that I wanted to go home.

     “We can’t hurt virgins. Virgins are so precious in our church. We can’t even lie in front of virgins. You see I have to tell you that I’m actually 40 years old and that I have a 12 year old daughter, I’m sorry.” I was literally struggling to breathe because this was all SO MUCH. There was MORE “You and me can’t date casually. We have to get married before we have sex.” WHAT?? I felt like I had stepped into another world. I decided to argue the fine points of this tirade, since I couldn’t think of anything else to do and I wasn’t ready to walk all the way home.

     “So what does that mean? You can’t hurt virgins but you can hurt your wife?” “No no no, youre not understanding me.” He took on an exasperated tone and continued mansplaining his cult to me. “We don’t commit sins like what you are suggesting. We have strong beliefs, and what you do comes back to you.” “Okay sure, like karma.”  “No! Nothing like that, you don’t understand.” He said this to me a lot, when really what I wasn’t understanding is how yet another crazy situation was happening to me, a pure and humble spirit.

     “We are protected in our circle, but if you sin it comes back to you. For example, if I raped you, someone out there might rape my daughter.” I was SHOOK. Who SAYS THAT??? I started to say something but the words choked me up and wouldn’t come out. I was truly speechless. “You should come to our church and see, and then you will understand.” I looked at him again and I realized that in his mind this is what was going to happen. I was going to join his church, become his wife, and belong to his circle of magic Masons.

     “Can you take me home please?” He became concerned for me, asking me what was wrong. I just insisted on going home. I may have lied and made up urgent plans. We got in the car and drove towards my apartment, D still talking about his church and what its done for him, the blessings he received in his life so far. Really selling it, you know? We were nearly at the turn that would put us on my street and me closer to safety, when he randomly asked me if there any gyms nearby. “I’m still new and haven’t had the time to look for one.” I was shook again but honestly he had used up my stores of energy for being surprised. I told him there was a planet fitness up the main street. He sped up past my turn and drove to it.  I settled back in my seat and whimpered inwardly, just wanting to be home and waiting for the moment this would be a funny story. We got to the gym and he idled in the parking lot, looking it over and nodding, almost like he’d never seen a planet fitness before. “Do you want to go inside and get an account together?” This time when I looked at him I couldn’t control my facial expressions, my eyes wide and eyebrows all the way up. “No. I want to go home. Now.” I risked being rude so that he would get the point.

     He drove me home. I blocked him. I hope he's found his Mason wife cause it was NOT going to be me.