Nude Modeling
I modeled nude for an art project, and the really cool thing was that
my resulting panic attack conveniently waited to burst out until much later
that day.
The actual shoot was amazing and life changing and yet…super chill.
Incredibly chill. I was nearly 20 minutes late, which made me stress sweat all
over downtown Indianapolis. And that term is really very misleading because
going from one end of downtown to the other takes about 4 years and at least 28
near-crashes, half of them due to great big yawning potholes. But I made it to
the location, parked my car and walked in as fast as I could.
The photographer, a tall and hilarious man named Jedediah, peeked his
head out in the hallway as I approached the studio, and assured me I was fine
and okay on time. I got to hug my friend Joey right before going in as she was
leaving, her session having been right before mine. Joey was the one who got me
into this to begin with, tagging me in an Instagram post that prompted Jedediah
to message me and for me to commit to what was now the most vulnerable and
brave thing I had ever done. She told me I smelled good and that I got this.
I walked in the actual studio and formally introduced myself to
Jedediah and his assistant, a pleasant woman named Christine. She wore a black
sweater and jeans, and he wore overalls over a short top. Their clothes were
important to me because I of course began taking mine off, talking the whole
time. But as I got more and more naked, pulling my jeans off and sort of
folding them, rolling the straps of my tank top off my shoulders, I realized
that my jokes and insistence at filling the silence in the room were really
just reflexes. I expected to be awkward. I expected to have a million
butterflies in my stomach, for my voice to quiver and for my arms to
instinctively want to cover my body but like…none of that happened. I got down
to my underwear and socks and felt complete, brand new yarn braids caressing my
back, and turned to Jed (I’m just going to shorten it for the sake of this post)
and asked what he wanted me to do.
The most comfortable shooting session then took place. I swear there
were more problems and fake smiles during a photoshoot my family booked about
fifteen years ago, all of us sweaty, cramped and uncomfortable. The studio was
large, airy. Jed and Christine fiddled with the lights and cameras for a few
minutes while I stood in the middle of the room, all my moisturized skin out,
sliding a little in my socks for the fun of it. His directions to me were
simple. “Dance lightly in a circle. Move your arms in different positions and
swing your hips a little.” When I mentioned I was proud of my hair because I
had just finished braiding it the day before he got excited too, “Oh we’ll
definitely get some hair whips in there.” I did it all. I whipped my hair
around from shoulder to shoulder and up and down, going for that magical, out
of the sea, Little Mermaid flip. I
danced around in circles, I moved my arms and legs, I posed in as many
different positions as I could think of.
At some point he looked at the computer screen and exclaimed, and I
walked over to see. I think back to that moment and again I am amazed that all
I felt was excitement at seeing what these lights and poses were doing for me.
And they were doing a LOT! The lights casted me in this sort of dark blue glow.
Everything about me looked soft and powerful, like I was a minor goddess in
mythology. My skin was smooth and the dips, rolls, and cellulite runs looked
like they belong there. I was looking at pictures of myself naked, taken by two
fully clothed people I met that same hour, and I felt not a single ounce of
shame or guilt, and instead I was ready to go back in and take some more! Wild.
After the pictures were done he asked to me answer some questions on
camera as part of a documentary he may or may not make. I also loved this part.
The first question he asked me was to explain what I said when I walked in.
“You said you weren’t shy about being nude but that you didn’t know what to do.
What did you mean by that exactly?” And I had to make it clear that first off I
walked in talking a big game about not being shy, because I WAS. But then I got
to feel extremely comfortable with them and I was surprised at how deep that
comfort went. As for not knowing what to do… that relates back to a beautiful
truth I have learned over and over and over again, and that is that I DON’T
HAVE TO KNOW 100% WHAT IM DOING IN ORDER TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!! I felt like I
have to yell it because it is SUCH a lifelong struggle! I was so proud of
myself for coming to the realization that I don’t have to be good at everything,
it’s okay to fail sometimes and to KEEP GOING, and that my job wasn’t to know
it all. It makes things so much easier and opens up the world for me. “I
realized that my job wasn’t to know what to do, but to be comfortable. And I
was.” My recorded answer was probably a little more eloquent than that, but
that’s I meant.
Later on that night I got to perform some sexy poetry and even sing a
little at an open mic show I helped put together. Even later on I got a huge
wave of anxiety slammed into me when everyone from the show, plus my brother
and his friend, and I met at a bar. They all sat comfortably on those high bar
chairs that terrify me, and I could not hold it together. I stood there, trying
to psych myself up to attempt getting at least one cheek on it, hoping that the
rest of me would just slide on, but I just couldn’t do it. I ended up telling
my brother I wanted to leave and that I was uncomfortable, and his
disappointment at having to leave so soon after getting there was palpable.
It’s taken me a few days to accept that…it’s okay. It’s okay to have
gone from the extreme of modeling nude with strangers to wanting to leave a
space because my body didn’t allow me to feel comfortable there. It doesn’t
have to make sense. It just is. All that I have to do is to be kind to myself
no matter what.
***Check out Jed's instagram for updates and information on his art shows!
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